Those questions did not get any easier on July 12, 1994 with the birth
of our daughter Mara. Here was this
beautiful baby girl who too would need love and caring to grow up into an
equally beautiful woman. I remember
looking at her and wondering what she was going to be like when she grew
up. What I didn't know was that raising
her would be a wild and furious ride through life. If I knew then what the ride would be like, I
would have buckled in and enjoyed the anticipation of the most wonderful
E-ticket ride I could imagine.
Don't get me wrong, both of my children presented parenting challenges
in their own way. They have both grown
into happy, healthy and caring individuals who will do great things in this
world. What I know now is that having children forever
changes you. I found that nothing from
their first cries as they enter this world until they leave the nest remains
the same. Everything I thought and cared
about changed. Not only that but my perspective
on life and all of my fears and dreams forever changed. There were always going to be two individuals
walking across this planet whose well being would affect me no matter how long
I remain in this world.
Fast forward almost 21 years to the day Nathan was born and there I was
at Texas Christian University (TCU) moving my baby girl into her dormitory for
her freshman year of college. It was a
very strange and almost surreal day. In
August of 1979, I was doing the same thing at the same place. Time seemed to telescope, where unless I
looked in the mirror, I felt like that same 17 year old kid nervous about being
on his own for the first time. I could
see that same nervous excitement in Mara as we got her settled in. I was
excited for her and at the same time a little sad that she didn't need me as
much as she did over the past 18 years.
She was an adult now.
I will admit that when we left Nathan at Tulane two years ago, I felt
sad and happy. I could tell he had
picked the right college and was going to be fine. I also knew that even though our family
dynamic was going to be forever changed that day I still had Mara in the house
which would help me transition. But,
leaving TCU that day was even harder. Letting
go this time was far more emotionally charged. After all, Mara and I had a
special bond in that we both love to entertain others. I had become so involved in her theater life
that I knew I was going to have a hard time transitioning to not be able to see
her perform. I reconciled myself to the
fact that Bev and I had done our best to prepare her for this next phase of her
life. So when I hugged her good-bye, I
could only think of one thing to say -- "I am proud of you."
It wasn't until I arrived back home that it truly hit me -- our nest
was empty. Nathan came back with Bev
from Texas and was home for a week before he headed back to Tulane. The house became so quiet and calm without
them here. I wasn't sure how it was
going to be for me without them around like they had been for the last 21
years. I knew that I would really miss
them, but with cell phones, text messaging email and Skype, I knew we would be
in touch. I do miss them but I know that
we are going to develop a new kind of relationship with them. Even though they are not under our roof any
more, they know we love them and that they will always be our first priority. That will never change.
So Bev and I enter into the third phase of our life together. We are older and more settled in our ways
maybe. We have devoted so much of ourselves
to raising a family, and much of our communication was directed towards that. I find myself feeling a strange emptiness that
was never there before. I also find it
tough to communicate with Bev in general though not because she is unable to
communicate with me. I think it is just
that uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what to talk about that is not
related to the kids. Regardless, I am deeply
committed to her and love her as much or more than when we first got
married. I guess I am not sure yet what being
a couple again will be for us. I do know
that we have travelled this road together for 27 years and there is nothing to
stop us from enjoying the rest of the ride as we find new choices, more
freedoms, and new ways of loving each other.
Aug. 17 – 4.10 miles (36:44, 8:58 pace)
Aug. 18 – 6.10 miles (53:00, 8:41 pace) Aug. 19 – 6.10 miles (53:31, 8:47 pace)
Aug. 20 – 5.50 miles (47:38, 8:40 pace)
Aug. 21 – 3.10 miles (24:28, 7:54 pace) – Speed Work
Aug. 23 – 5.10 miles (44:42, 8:46 pace)
Aug. 24 – 6.20 miles (55:55, 9:01 pace)
Aug. 25 – 6.20 miles (55:04, 8:53 pace)
Aug. 31 – 5.20 miles (45:11, 8:41 pace)
Sept. 1 – 6.20 miles (54:24, 8:47 pace)
Sept. 2 – 6.20 miles (54:24, 8:47 pace)
Total Miles: 60.0 miles
2012 YTD Miles: 997.8 miles