Froggie Ted Distance Runner: August 2014

I know I haven't posted in a while. I guess it is because I have been going through a bit of a tough transition. No, it doesn't have anything to do with my running. I am still recovering a bit from my hamstring injury. I am able to get out on the road regularly and get in some good miles. Instead the transition I am dealing with is the one where I have to let my children go and live their lives as the adults they have become. I am not literally letting them go. I am having to allow them to be live their lives how they choose and to love and enjoy them in a different way.

As I look back on the twenty three years of my life that was invested in raising, nurturing, and caring for them, I am finding that letting go of that role is quite a daunting task. Those years were spent caring, loving and being concerned about them. Bev and I invested our hearts, minds and spirits into their physical, emotional, social and spiritual well-being. And here I am today with a 23 year old son in graduate school and a 20 year old daughter in her junior year of college and it has finally hit me that that part of my life has ended. Now I am at a loss trying to find that appropriate balance of love and concern for them while resisting the constant urge to continue to offer advice and try to control their lives.

As I think about it, I know that a large part of my difficulty in letting go is embedded in general fear for their well being. We all know that the world is a scary place, and the numerous stories on the news of terrible things happening increase that inherent fear. As my kids were growing up I felt that I could always protect them because I was able to monitor them and to a certain extent control their environment. But now that they are both living half way across the country, I can no longer exert any amount of control over their environment, who they hang out with, where they go, and what they do. Instead, I have to have faith that the things Bev and I instilled in them as they were growing up will allow them to make good choices in lives.

What I have come to realize is that my kids don't want me to be a micromanager in their life trying to exert influence over who they choose as friends, worrying about how much sleep they get or kibbitzing about how they spend their time. They have let me know that they don't need that any more. I think that our relationship needs to transition into a loving friendship where I can be their closest confidante and mentor. The problem is that I am not really sure how to restructure my relationship with them so that I am neither too involved, nor so hands-off that I don't have much of a relationship there at all.

So what I need to do this try and think of myself as a consultant rather than their manager. This means that I need to learn to listen more and only offer advice when asked. I know this is going to be difficult as I have a hard time not trying to fix things for them. As Bev says, sometimes they just want to talk about it and are not looking for advice or someone to fix it. Rather they just want me to hear them out and let them know that I sympathize with them and will support whatever decision they make. Who knows, they may even use some of my advice to make a decision. Regardless, I have to train myself to know that in all cases it’s not my choice to make.

I also need to remember that as our relationship transitions, I need to give them the same respect and compassion I would with any of my close personal friends. If I think that they may be making a bad choice, I need to be able to tell them with carefully chosen words and tactfully. Since they are my children, I am sure that they will hear implied criticism even if it is not there. So I will have to tread lightly along this path. But as I look back on their teen years, I know that they both have always made really good choices. Therefore, there should be no trepidation in my mind that they won't do the same as adults.

I never imagined that after seeing them off to college that it would be so hard to learn how to deal with my now adult children. I love them both and am so proud of the people they have become. I guess the only thing I can do is actively nurture our relationship. I know that friends do stuff together. They talk on the phone, send texts and spend time together exploring shared interests. They respect each other’s busy schedules, but find ways to stay connected. I know that Bev and I have built a solid relationship with our children and I am looking forward to seeing our relationship blossom even more in the years to come.